“Whenever you’re ready.” That’s what they always said right before I was about to walk out and perform. I hated it. It would almost be better if they didn’t say it, but I understand why they did. Some people need only a second to gather their focus; others need a few minutes.
Me - I tended to take a second to panic, and then just forget even trying to settle the physical nervousness.
Because I knew it wasn’t going to go away. And the longer I focused on it, the more I would feel I could never be ready. I might end up paralyzed in anxiety, inevitably to give way to my need for escape by shutting down - either breaking into tears or else literally running to hide from the whole situation.
As much as these moments really did shape me - the gravity, I’m sure, is nowhere near what you’re experiencing. It’s not as though the whole trajectory of my life seemed like it was resting on what I did next or the results of those actions.
An unexpected pregnancy can happen so fast. But just because you’re physically ready doesn’t mean you are emotionally or situationally ready to be a mom.
Still, “I’m not ready” does not necessarily mean “I’ll never” it could just mean “not yet”. Why?
Likely it comes down to a few things: our ideals, our expectations, and our values.
What is…a mom? What all comes to mind? Maybe it’s the gentle touches, the bursting smiles, the strength amidst inarticulate fears, the love that never stops giving. Maybe, if you zoom out, there’s also that perfect little house, supportive relationship, and economic stability. Maybe some of these pictures mirror memories of your own from long ago. Or maybe, instead, they are meant to counter such memories; maybe they are only reflections of others’ stories or of fictional narratives.
In any case - you have this ideal ‘mom’ you could picture being, that you would want to be. And that desire is deep and beautiful.
But that’s not the only thing that comes to mind. Because when you have an ideal - you also end up noticing how far away from it you are.
Maybe it’s the despair of “I can’t seem to keep my own life together - how could I look after someone else?”, “I’m still only in school - how could I detract from my life goals?”, “I’d fail”, “I’d mess them up”, “I don’t have the time, the money, the energy”.
It’s crushing. And it leaves you caught between two motivations, two goals: to pursue your dream or to avoid failing it. To run towards or away.
It really depends on how things might turn out…but really, no one knows how life will go. You’re caught between despair and hope.
So how do you decide what to do?
What I did is I ended up focusing on more than just passing or failing. Instead - why am I doing this. Why is this important to me? And with that, it didn’t matter so much in the end if I could do a perfect job. I was here because I loved to sing or to play and, more than that, I had something meaningful I wanted to communicate to everyone who was listening. I couldn’t do a perfect job - but I was going to do my best.
My encouragement to you is don’t let fear and uncertainty paralyze you. Because all those worries of how things might go - these situations can always change - for better or worse. Your own feelings of competence can fluctuate from high to low. Look at your values and why or why not you want to be a mom. Is being a mom a core value or goal in life?
When being a mom is at the core of your heart, it will be love that motivates your decision. You want them to have a happy, safe, wonderful life. This love is what can push you past the conflict of trying to be a perfect mom to just being a loving mom. This love can give you the courage to move forward instead of running to escape, to stand on what we choose to do regardless of the moments of despair or hope.
This desire doesn’t avoid the fact that in some ways you might still not be ready – but it’s no longer the ultimate deciding factor. Instead, “I’m not ready” the question can change to “What would it take for me to be ready?”
Because if you want to be ready - you have time to get there.
Maybe it’s figuring out and getting in place people who will be a support when you need them. Maybe it’s getting help with the supplies and items that will offset the financial costs. Maybe it’s getting all your questions answered with practical lessons on how to manage various aspects of pregnancy and looking after a baby. Or maybe it’s getting advice on or practical assistance for handling work, schooling, or housing. Maybe it’s having someone to talk to about the issues you’re facing with relationships.
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If despite all your effort and commitment you know there are certain obstacles you cannot cross, consider that even this does not need to limit your love. For some, being a loving mom is giving your best rather than doing your best. While it might seem like such a difficult thing to do, placing your baby with an adoptive family comes from that same deep desire to want the best for them. In this case, being ready might also look like getting help with finding an adoption agency, putting together an adoption plan, or having someone to ongoingly support you in processing all the feelings that come up.
If either of these sound like something you would like - that’s what we’re here for! We want to be here to walk this whole journey with you.
We want to help encourage you. To help turn the fears of “I’m not ready” into “I can prepare” and “I can do my best”. To give you the hope that, no matter the obstacles, you can choose to pursue that dream you have of being a loving mom.
Book a confidential appointment HERE
By: Kirsten, Executive Assistant
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We know that not everyone is ready to be a mom or wants to be a mom and that is why we also offer information on pregnancy options and offer post-abortion support. No matter what decision you make for your pregnancy we will be here for you. Click HERE for more information.