A Birth Mother- Who is She?
She is a mother
The journey of motherhood is a unique one. From the moment you feel the flutter of movement of your baby you are encapsulated with emotions of protectiveness, love, purpose, fear, and excitement. The fact that a mother has made an adoption plan for her baby and relinquishes her parental rights does not take away her identity as a mother. She is and always will be the maternal mother of her child and she should be recognized and celebrated just as any other mother is who raises theirs. She has made the most painful and selfless decision of her life and deserves to be honored for her bravery and for the gift she has given to another family.
She is your friend, neighbor, roommate, sister, daughter
An unexpected pregnancy can happen to anyone. She is not careless, reckless, immature, rebellious, or lacks values or ambitions. She has hopes, dreams and goals for her life. She wants what is best for her child and is willing to endure pain and loss for the sake another human being. When exploring her options, she does so thoughtfully and spends endless sleepless nights contemplating the affects her choice will have on herself, her future, her family, and her baby. She is greatly influenced by those she loves, and she fears she will disappoint them. She is afraid to tell anyone who might judge her. Many won’t agree with her decision to carry and place for adoption and she might receive criticism and rejection.
She is grieving
From the moment she learns she is pregnant she starts to grieve the loss of the plans she had for her life. She feels sad over the loss of freedoms she enjoyed pre-pregnancy. In an adoption, a mother’s grief at times is overwhelming and complex. She has never experienced love in this way before and this might be her first big life event she has to cope with. Giving birth is an experience rich in emotions, both good and bad. She may only have a few days to get to know her baby on an intimate level, just the two of them. Afterwards, she will slowly regain some normalcy in her life, but she will never forget her child-not even for one day. At first, every thought will be about her baby and will experience moments of joy, sadness, anxiety and maybe regret. Eventually she will slowly move forward in her life and find healing with the support of others. The grief is unique to her and cannot be compared to other losses.
She needs support
Any pregnancy decision comes with its own set of challenges. Each one; adoption, parenting and abortion requires support from others. No one should feel alone or feel judged- no matter their decision. Considering adoption can be a wonderful and enriching life experience provided you are supported both during pregnancy and afterwards. She needs to talk about what she is feeling and know that she has a voice in the decision-making process. Often, she is afraid that once the baby is placed in its adoptive home, she no longer matters and is afraid she will be forgotten. It is recommended that she receive professional counselling to help her work through her feelings of grief and loss and how to move forward.
In addition to professional counselling, other agencies like ours, are available to provide support to anyone who is considering adoption or who would like more information about adoption in Ontario. We will walk with a woman through the adoption process, finding an adoption agency, filling out paperwork, arranging meetings, and being a support person during the pregnancy and afterwards.
If you would like to talk to one of our support workers click HERE to book an appointment.
If you would like more information on adoption you can contact the Adoption Council of Ontario.
By: Tanya, Assistant Director